there is no U in Me.

"To find someone you love, You gotta be someone you love." -nada surf
I guess I'm ready then... again. :-/

bleh.

I'm set. I'm free. I'm ready. I'm green, yes... but I'm ready.
Last year I grew. I lost, and I learned. I came in to this year with close to nothing left but my pride, dignity, and passion, and even then I came into this year with almost nothing...
but if i come with nothing... then I guess I come with all I need.
:)

I'm set.

I'm excited to see what I find in the midst of this year, and those to come. My blood is pumping harder this time around, and it's due to no one but myself. I am 100% with who and what I am. 2 years ago I never thought i would have reached this point.
It's the best feeling when you finally do.

I'm home.

mi corazon quebrado

i wake alone
and pretend that i am finally home.

the room is littered
with her books and notebooks
i imagine what they say, like,
"shoo fly don't bother me."
i can hardly get myself out of the bed
for fear of never lying in this bed again.

oh christ, i'm not that desperate.
oh no, oh god. i am.

how'd i end up here to begin with?
i don't know.
why do i start what i can't finish?
oh please don't barrage me
with the questions
to all those lovely answers.
my ego's like my stomach,
it keeps shitting what i feed it.

or maybe i don't want to finish anything anymore...



recluse

heartshaped hand grenades

i'm holding it together
i'm holding it together
i swear i'm holding it together
like a heartshaped hand grenade!

you leave as you please
and you come as you please
and all the while here i am
with my delicate heartshaped hand grenade!

i'll soon explode and throw up my insides
i'll expel you from me and have my way
i swear i'll blow you to bits
with this heartshaped hand grenade!

just use me use me use me
keep taking freely as you please
and watch my heart shatter and explode
as you hurt me with your hand grenades...

those selfish words

like hand grenades.

-kg

arancame el corazon

lo nuestro se acabo
y te arepentiras
de haberle puesto un fin
a un año de amor

si ahora tu te vaz
pronto descubriras
que los dias son eternos
y vacios sin mi

y de noche,
por no sentirte solo
recordaras nuestros dias felices
recordaras el sabor de mis besos

y entenderas en un solo momento
que significa un año de amor...

te has parado a pensar
lo que sucedera
todo lo que perdemos
y lo que sufriras

si ahora tu te vaz
no recuperaras los momentos felices
que te hize vivir...

-luz casal

suffocation

i love heroes del silencio. it's in my blood. i love them so much, that last night, i almost died for them. this is no joke. ok... maybe just a little. i technically COULD HAVE died, but mostly likely just really badly injured. the crowd of people was massive, and the tightness at which people can actually be compressed and still keep breathing, was even more impressive.
my brilliant self decided it would be an awesome idea to wait until the band started playing their 1st song before attempting to move forward. so when the 1st cord struck, me and limny chugged our beers, and put our mosh elbows up and started clawing our way to the front. this would have been a perfect maneuver, had it actually worked; but it did not. endless cups of beers spilt on us, at least 5 high heels in the toes, 1 strangers hand down my pants, and a couple of elbows in the small of the back later, we were almost to the front, when it just got out of control. people started falling, and hands started clawing on the way down. i am way too short for this shit, so i start suffocating. the crowd is too huge, and the air is too humid and damp, and smelling of ass, sweat, and bad bo. my arms were being pinned to my side, and getting exhausted from pushing people away from me, and my chest was being crushed. i guess the guy behind me could tell by the look on my face that i was about to literally pass out, because he picked me up and started yelling at people to get out of the way and let me out. so somehow, god knows how, cause i'm telling you the crowd was massive and sardene-packed-like, i managed to not faint.
had i fainted, i would have fallen, and gotten trampled. i probably would have taken a couple of highheels and boots to the face, and im sure i would have been crushed like a small child under a full weight of an elephant. all in all: it would have sucked. but i did however get drenched from head to toe to underwear in all sorts of beer and margaritas, and i had a couple of scratches on my back from all the clawing.
so there's how i almost died for heroes del silencio.

i am sore, i am bruised, and i would totally do it again.

:)

oh,
and if you ever wanna break in your new chucks: wear them to an heroes del silencio concert. they'll take quite the beating. ;)

-kg

regret

"maybe i've forgotten the name and the address
of everyone Ive ever known
it's nothing I regret
save it for another day
it's the school exam and the kids have run away

i would like a place I could call my own
have a conversation on the telephone
wake up every day that would be a start
i would not complain of my wounded heart...

just wait till tomorrow
i guess thats what they all say
just before they fall apart."

its a sunday... i usually hate sundays. it could be any given sunday, and i would hate it. not because of any specific reason, they just always seemed so cold and empty. the end of the weekend. the day before jumping back into reality. back into the machine. back into the man. so i guess this makes this sunday extraordinary, because i do not hate this sunday. today i am grateful for what i have.

the last time i was this happy and content with myself i was 15 years old, about to turn 16. i was about to move back to san diego, and i worried about nothing. i didn't have a job, and i didn't go to school every day like every other kid. i did my homework whenever i wanted, and i turned it in and only saw my teacher once a week. i had a grip of friends, and i was rarely ever home. i was leaving them all behind, but i didn't care. i was going back home. back to where i grew up and i was eager to see old friends, and make new ones. i didn't depress me that i had to uproot myself once more at a whim, and leave behind the guy i was dating. if he really cared about me, he would follow.

he didn't... not for a while anyway. so i forgot about him. but he came back, and then i was stuck with him for a bit over 3 years. haha great! (sarcasm). at the time all i knew is that i was happy with who i was, and didn't feel the need to change for anyone. i knew i had a family that loved me, and if i didn't rub someone the right way, i could care less. if someone didn't like me back, i could care less. if some boy i liked didn't choose to stay loyal to me, i could care less. his loss, right? not mine. i knew who i was and what i wanted. i lost that confidence somewhere along the way.

its only been 5 years, not a long time, but still so much has changed. i have since let go of that boy, and met and lost and let go of new ones. new people have entered and exited my life since then. good people, people i would rather still have by my side. people who's advice i'd still want to hear. people who's company i rather still have. conversations i'd rather still exchange. there's so much i lament, but there is nothing i regret. i learn from good experiences, and even more from bad experiences. i was in a 3 year relationship that i sometimes pray i'd never had. BUT, then i refrain for a second and think, who would i be without that experience? i'm glad he was, and in a way will always be, part of my life. he contributed to my learning of truths i never would have learned otherwise. he gave me the hard outer skin i have today. come on, hit me! give it a try. betcha i wont flinch! and if if i do... i bet it will only be for a second. :-)

my mother always told me to love myself above all. that if i could learn to appreciate the person that i am, i could get over anything. i think she was right. i do not hate my job, i do not hate my family, i do not hate my friends, and i do not hate anyone that's hurt me along the way, because none of that makes me. that is not who i am. i am who i say i am. and who i am, is fuckin' phenomenal.

amen to me. i'm grateful for what i have, and who i am. i was having a hard time with it for a minute there, and it's been a long time since i've seen this "me". a lot of people have a hard time with being so certain and content with what is around them. i am not saying that i am perfect, or that i do not make mistakes, because mistakes, i make a shitload of. but i know when to accept defeat, and when to take the consequences, and how to say sorry and admit when i'm wrong. i also know when to shut the fuck up and get over shit. and right now... right now i'm shutting the fuck up and getting over shit. jorge always says shit happens, so tough titties. this is true. so, tough titties. moving right along. i'll rejoice in what i have today.

"you're not your job. you're not how much money you have in the bank. you're not the car you drive. you're not the contents of your wallet. you're not your fucking khakis."

this rant is over.

:)

-kg

bad habits

wisps of smoke mix
with shattered music
a vomit stained floor and
the far-off ring of laughter
she tells him she knows a better place
and offers him a sea of spirits
you dry hump the night away
with an aching head
stars explode in your eyes
when your face is to the cement
he says he can walk it off
and gives you the last light
that sinks you into the couch
the last cigarette lingers on his lips
while last nights love disappears in your rearview

-kg

si se puede!

"You're a door without a key, a field without a fence.
You made a holy fool of me, and I've thanked you ever since..."

*sigh*

it's going to be a good rest of the year ladies & gentleman.
i can feel it in my gut. in my bones. in my blood.

the only place left to go ... is up.

-kg

courage & grit

"every day is like sunday, every day is silent and gray..."

i woke up grinding my teeth this morning. however, i can say that it is definitely more peaceful inside of me now. i'm slowly allowing myself to believe that the truth of the matter is that i deserve certain things, and that certain things are mine for the taking. i lack the strength to take these things; to allow myself to trust in my gut and put myself out there. i may get shot down, and i might not. a huge part of me tell me i'll succeed, and that there's nothing to be scared of. but still... i have a little bit more to go. just a little bit more, and i'll be ready. i have to be ready. before it's too late.

where the fuck is my courage and strength right now that i need it? where?! i know one thing is true: i deserve more than this. i WILL HAVE more than this. i was built... i was made, for great things.

-kg