only me

today i realized something.
friends, they come and go.
boyfriends, they come and go...
even family comes and goes sometimes.
this is something that i've always known to be true but never accepted.
i realize now, truly realize, that i have only myself.

it's me in my head, it's me in my feelings, it's me in life.
it's always only me.

i've let my guard down one too many times in this short span of my life... that i'm afraid that i'll eventually become calloused and cold. i don't want to get there. ever.

so many times i wish i could be completely selfish. stop caring about people the way i do. stop giving so much of myself when it's not asked... and stop wanting so much when it's hasn't and won't be given.

i give and do so much for those around me, that i forget that not everyone is like me. not everyone cares. not everyone is so forgiving. not everyone is on the same page with me, or will ever.

i shouldn't give a mad fuck.

its about time.

i live for me.
and only me.
i want so much right now... i want so much for me.
i want to move out of the city.
i want to go back to school.
i want to be away from my family... all of them.
and i want to travel.

i want a clean slate.

tabula rasa.

i start again.

*sigh*

p.s.
i was in a car accident today... and for a second when i heard the scream of the breaks i wished the car would completely collapse in on me... and that it could all be over. but it didn't.

i'm so ... exhausted, would be the correct word, with life...

i need a mental health day... or YEAR. :-/

-kg