you wanna kill it?

thursday the 16th
6:30 p.m. : isha, me, jayme, amber, kenny, keith & david all gathered outside david's house. i had a beer in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. within 20 minutes i'm 3 beers in on an empty stomach and i'm ready to take off for L.A. already. i let out a loud complacent burp, and the night started!
by the time we got to L.A. the second car (being driven by the direction genius Isha), had already gotten lost twice, and was an hour behind us. so of course i continued my drinking frenzie, because what else am i supposed to do the day after my 20th birthday? GET CRUNK! nearly an hour later jayme, isha, and amber finally arrived at the club, and a brilliant idea ocurred to me and jayme. we would continue to drink and smoke out on the sidewalk! looking back now, i realize how un-brilliant that idea was... but it didn't seem like it at the time.
of course, within 7 minutes of this two cops rolled up on bikes, and commenced to question the smell of weed! we acted oh so innocent, and got away with it, even after they searched the entire area with flashlights, looking for the rest of the blunt that we had chucked. that would have been the end of it, and we all would have walked away with a good laugh, except for the beer bottle that i had so smartly forgotten to put down. yes, thats right! even after jayme said "cops!", i didn't put the bottle down. ooh, how insperable i am from my alcohol, you can see! so we didn't walk away citation free. instead, i walked away with a citation for an open container, BUT not before the cop asked me if i wanted to kill it! are you kidding me?! no, he was not! so i did! and with that done, we STILL walked away laughing. *sigh* oooooh, good times!
it wasn't till 4:45 in the morning that we were driving into oceanside, off the 5. it was chilly and dark along the coast, with the stars all out and shining, and the sunroof open overhead. we pulled over at the rest stop, because david needed a cigarette, before he could finish the drive. as i sat there, looking out the sunroof, staring at the stars, a deep sense of sadness fell over me, after a long day of happiness. it isn't often that i get that feeling anymore, having learned to cope with my deamons more and more every day. but as i stared at the stars, i felt so small, almost non-existent. it made me feel empty... yet it filled me with a sense of awe. however, mixed in with this sadness i realize my problems are nothing. i'll be just fine. whatever bothers me inside at this moment, will desist. it is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

some days are harder than others, and some weeks are better than others.
it seems that this week is going to be one of the hard ones...

this birthday sucked... for the most part. :(

-kg

the slain

i threw myself off a building yesterday.
crashed 25 stories down into the hard black pavement.
my ankles crushed in underneath me first, and then my legs, and then my torso, and then my arms bent upwards and to the sides.
my head cracked like a rifle in the wind, and a stream of blood gave way.
it ran down over my body, and it washed away all my faults. all my bad experiences, and all those horrible people.
it washed away your hurtful words, and your monstrous air.
my body is now clean of you.
my blood now turning cold on the pavement is profuse with you; fat-full of your essence. rich with your disgusting being.

my face now turning white and green is serene. its placid. smoothed out from the wind on the way down, all feeling was lost except for one: emptiness.
empty and discarded, i found my way up. i crawled out of the hole you dug for me... and crawled into another.

it's warm here now, as i converse with the maggots and play with the roots of daisies.
and the darkness that now creeps in and surrounds me was a lovely gift...
a lovely gift from you.

-kg

only me

today i realized something.
friends, they come and go.
boyfriends, they come and go...
even family comes and goes sometimes.
this is something that i've always known to be true but never accepted.
i realize now, truly realize, that i have only myself.

it's me in my head, it's me in my feelings, it's me in life.
it's always only me.

i've let my guard down one too many times in this short span of my life... that i'm afraid that i'll eventually become calloused and cold. i don't want to get there. ever.

so many times i wish i could be completely selfish. stop caring about people the way i do. stop giving so much of myself when it's not asked... and stop wanting so much when it's hasn't and won't be given.

i give and do so much for those around me, that i forget that not everyone is like me. not everyone cares. not everyone is so forgiving. not everyone is on the same page with me, or will ever.

i shouldn't give a mad fuck.

its about time.

i live for me.
and only me.
i want so much right now... i want so much for me.
i want to move out of the city.
i want to go back to school.
i want to be away from my family... all of them.
and i want to travel.

i want a clean slate.

tabula rasa.

i start again.

*sigh*

p.s.
i was in a car accident today... and for a second when i heard the scream of the breaks i wished the car would completely collapse in on me... and that it could all be over. but it didn't.

i'm so ... exhausted, would be the correct word, with life...

i need a mental health day... or YEAR. :-/

-kg

iron heart

my heart is too big for this world
continuously it overflows
and spills onto the streets
shattered and torn
i've picked up the pieces to reassemble
i've taped it together
and locked it in place
i've locked up my feelings
and sealed them up tight
there will be no escaping
or slip of the tongue
no needing or wanting
of that to which i once clung
i'll just sit here and wait
i'll keep playing my part
and i'll keep it inside...

inside this iron heart.

-kg

shit hit the fan

you restricted me for so long.
you kept me from voicing the screaming in my head.
you broke me of good habits.
you put out the fire in my heart.

you caged the lion...

its time that i break free.

the story of my life is to follow that which is no good for me. why? when i am happier around those that make me laugh, those that make me smile, and those who let me be whoever the fuck i want to be. so, why? why submit myself to self-inflicted torture? i say self-inflicted because i place myself directly in the fire willingly. well... perhaps for these past couple of years i believed that i needed to be punished for what i hated myself for.
perhaps i didn't believe i deserved to be happy. to be content with who i am, and not apologize for everything.

now i do.

those around me that love me have tried to convince me time and time again that i have plenty to offer the willing person. the kind person. the good person; not the hateful people out there. and i think it's about damn time that i listened...

it's time to break free out of this cage that you have put me in.

it's time to breath.

-kg