the slain

i threw myself off a building yesterday.
crashed 25 stories down into the hard black pavement.
my ankles crushed in underneath me first, and then my legs, and then my torso, and then my arms bent upwards and to the sides.
my head cracked like a rifle in the wind, and a stream of blood gave way.
it ran down over my body, and it washed away all my faults. all my bad experiences, and all those horrible people.
it washed away your hurtful words, and your monstrous air.
my body is now clean of you.
my blood now turning cold on the pavement is profuse with you; fat-full of your essence. rich with your disgusting being.

my face now turning white and green is serene. its placid. smoothed out from the wind on the way down, all feeling was lost except for one: emptiness.
empty and discarded, i found my way up. i crawled out of the hole you dug for me... and crawled into another.

it's warm here now, as i converse with the maggots and play with the roots of daisies.
and the darkness that now creeps in and surrounds me was a lovely gift...
a lovely gift from you.

-kg

only me

today i realized something.
friends, they come and go.
boyfriends, they come and go...
even family comes and goes sometimes.
this is something that i've always known to be true but never accepted.
i realize now, truly realize, that i have only myself.

it's me in my head, it's me in my feelings, it's me in life.
it's always only me.

i've let my guard down one too many times in this short span of my life... that i'm afraid that i'll eventually become calloused and cold. i don't want to get there. ever.

so many times i wish i could be completely selfish. stop caring about people the way i do. stop giving so much of myself when it's not asked... and stop wanting so much when it's hasn't and won't be given.

i give and do so much for those around me, that i forget that not everyone is like me. not everyone cares. not everyone is so forgiving. not everyone is on the same page with me, or will ever.

i shouldn't give a mad fuck.

its about time.

i live for me.
and only me.
i want so much right now... i want so much for me.
i want to move out of the city.
i want to go back to school.
i want to be away from my family... all of them.
and i want to travel.

i want a clean slate.

tabula rasa.

i start again.

*sigh*

p.s.
i was in a car accident today... and for a second when i heard the scream of the breaks i wished the car would completely collapse in on me... and that it could all be over. but it didn't.

i'm so ... exhausted, would be the correct word, with life...

i need a mental health day... or YEAR. :-/

-kg

iron heart

my heart is too big for this world
continuously it overflows
and spills onto the streets
shattered and torn
i've picked up the pieces to reassemble
i've taped it together
and locked it in place
i've locked up my feelings
and sealed them up tight
there will be no escaping
or slip of the tongue
no needing or wanting
of that to which i once clung
i'll just sit here and wait
i'll keep playing my part
and i'll keep it inside...

inside this iron heart.

-kg