lo nuestro se acabo
y te arepentiras
de haberle puesto un fin
a un año de amor
si ahora tu te vaz
pronto descubriras
que los dias son eternos
y vacios sin mi
y de noche,
por no sentirte solo
recordaras nuestros dias felices
recordaras el sabor de mis besos
y entenderas en un solo momento
que significa un año de amor...
te has parado a pensar
lo que sucedera
todo lo que perdemos
y lo que sufriras
si ahora tu te vaz
no recuperaras los momentos felices
que te hize vivir...
-luz casal
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
suffocation
i love heroes del silencio. it's in my blood. i love them so much, that last night, i almost died for them. this is no joke. ok... maybe just a little. i technically COULD HAVE died, but mostly likely just really badly injured. the crowd of people was massive, and the tightness at which people can actually be compressed and still keep breathing, was even more impressive.
my brilliant self decided it would be an awesome idea to wait until the band started playing their 1st song before attempting to move forward. so when the 1st cord struck, me and limny chugged our beers, and put our mosh elbows up and started clawing our way to the front. this would have been a perfect maneuver, had it actually worked; but it did not. endless cups of beers spilt on us, at least 5 high heels in the toes, 1 strangers hand down my pants, and a couple of elbows in the small of the back later, we were almost to the front, when it just got out of control. people started falling, and hands started clawing on the way down. i am way too short for this shit, so i start suffocating. the crowd is too huge, and the air is too humid and damp, and smelling of ass, sweat, and bad bo. my arms were being pinned to my side, and getting exhausted from pushing people away from me, and my chest was being crushed. i guess the guy behind me could tell by the look on my face that i was about to literally pass out, because he picked me up and started yelling at people to get out of the way and let me out. so somehow, god knows how, cause i'm telling you the crowd was massive and sardene-packed-like, i managed to not faint.
had i fainted, i would have fallen, and gotten trampled. i probably would have taken a couple of highheels and boots to the face, and im sure i would have been crushed like a small child under a full weight of an elephant. all in all: it would have sucked. but i did however get drenched from head to toe to underwear in all sorts of beer and margaritas, and i had a couple of scratches on my back from all the clawing.
so there's how i almost died for heroes del silencio.
i am sore, i am bruised, and i would totally do it again.
:)
oh,
and if you ever wanna break in your new chucks: wear them to an heroes del silencio concert. they'll take quite the beating. ;)
-kg
Sunday, September 23, 2007
regret
"maybe i've forgotten the name and the address
of everyone Ive ever known
it's nothing I regret
save it for another day
it's the school exam and the kids have run away
i would like a place I could call my own
have a conversation on the telephone
wake up every day that would be a start
i would not complain of my wounded heart...
just wait till tomorrow
i guess thats what they all say
just before they fall apart."
its a sunday... i usually hate sundays. it could be any given sunday, and i would hate it. not because of any specific reason, they just always seemed so cold and empty. the end of the weekend. the day before jumping back into reality. back into the machine. back into the man. so i guess this makes this sunday extraordinary, because i do not hate this sunday. today i am grateful for what i have.
the last time i was this happy and content with myself i was 15 years old, about to turn 16. i was about to move back to san diego, and i worried about nothing. i didn't have a job, and i didn't go to school every day like every other kid. i did my homework whenever i wanted, and i turned it in and only saw my teacher once a week. i had a grip of friends, and i was rarely ever home. i was leaving them all behind, but i didn't care. i was going back home. back to where i grew up and i was eager to see old friends, and make new ones. i didn't depress me that i had to uproot myself once more at a whim, and leave behind the guy i was dating. if he really cared about me, he would follow.
he didn't... not for a while anyway. so i forgot about him. but he came back, and then i was stuck with him for a bit over 3 years. haha great! (sarcasm). at the time all i knew is that i was happy with who i was, and didn't feel the need to change for anyone. i knew i had a family that loved me, and if i didn't rub someone the right way, i could care less. if someone didn't like me back, i could care less. if some boy i liked didn't choose to stay loyal to me, i could care less. his loss, right? not mine. i knew who i was and what i wanted. i lost that confidence somewhere along the way.
its only been 5 years, not a long time, but still so much has changed. i have since let go of that boy, and met and lost and let go of new ones. new people have entered and exited my life since then. good people, people i would rather still have by my side. people who's advice i'd still want to hear. people who's company i rather still have. conversations i'd rather still exchange. there's so much i lament, but there is nothing i regret. i learn from good experiences, and even more from bad experiences. i was in a 3 year relationship that i sometimes pray i'd never had. BUT, then i refrain for a second and think, who would i be without that experience? i'm glad he was, and in a way will always be, part of my life. he contributed to my learning of truths i never would have learned otherwise. he gave me the hard outer skin i have today. come on, hit me! give it a try. betcha i wont flinch! and if if i do... i bet it will only be for a second. :-)
my mother always told me to love myself above all. that if i could learn to appreciate the person that i am, i could get over anything. i think she was right. i do not hate my job, i do not hate my family, i do not hate my friends, and i do not hate anyone that's hurt me along the way, because none of that makes me. that is not who i am. i am who i say i am. and who i am, is fuckin' phenomenal.
amen to me. i'm grateful for what i have, and who i am. i was having a hard time with it for a minute there, and it's been a long time since i've seen this "me". a lot of people have a hard time with being so certain and content with what is around them. i am not saying that i am perfect, or that i do not make mistakes, because mistakes, i make a shitload of. but i know when to accept defeat, and when to take the consequences, and how to say sorry and admit when i'm wrong. i also know when to shut the fuck up and get over shit. and right now... right now i'm shutting the fuck up and getting over shit. jorge always says shit happens, so tough titties. this is true. so, tough titties. moving right along. i'll rejoice in what i have today.
"you're not your job. you're not how much money you have in the bank. you're not the car you drive. you're not the contents of your wallet. you're not your fucking khakis."
this rant is over.
:)
-kg
of everyone Ive ever known
it's nothing I regret
save it for another day
it's the school exam and the kids have run away
i would like a place I could call my own
have a conversation on the telephone
wake up every day that would be a start
i would not complain of my wounded heart...
just wait till tomorrow
i guess thats what they all say
just before they fall apart."
its a sunday... i usually hate sundays. it could be any given sunday, and i would hate it. not because of any specific reason, they just always seemed so cold and empty. the end of the weekend. the day before jumping back into reality. back into the machine. back into the man. so i guess this makes this sunday extraordinary, because i do not hate this sunday. today i am grateful for what i have.
the last time i was this happy and content with myself i was 15 years old, about to turn 16. i was about to move back to san diego, and i worried about nothing. i didn't have a job, and i didn't go to school every day like every other kid. i did my homework whenever i wanted, and i turned it in and only saw my teacher once a week. i had a grip of friends, and i was rarely ever home. i was leaving them all behind, but i didn't care. i was going back home. back to where i grew up and i was eager to see old friends, and make new ones. i didn't depress me that i had to uproot myself once more at a whim, and leave behind the guy i was dating. if he really cared about me, he would follow.
he didn't... not for a while anyway. so i forgot about him. but he came back, and then i was stuck with him for a bit over 3 years. haha great! (sarcasm). at the time all i knew is that i was happy with who i was, and didn't feel the need to change for anyone. i knew i had a family that loved me, and if i didn't rub someone the right way, i could care less. if someone didn't like me back, i could care less. if some boy i liked didn't choose to stay loyal to me, i could care less. his loss, right? not mine. i knew who i was and what i wanted. i lost that confidence somewhere along the way.
its only been 5 years, not a long time, but still so much has changed. i have since let go of that boy, and met and lost and let go of new ones. new people have entered and exited my life since then. good people, people i would rather still have by my side. people who's advice i'd still want to hear. people who's company i rather still have. conversations i'd rather still exchange. there's so much i lament, but there is nothing i regret. i learn from good experiences, and even more from bad experiences. i was in a 3 year relationship that i sometimes pray i'd never had. BUT, then i refrain for a second and think, who would i be without that experience? i'm glad he was, and in a way will always be, part of my life. he contributed to my learning of truths i never would have learned otherwise. he gave me the hard outer skin i have today. come on, hit me! give it a try. betcha i wont flinch! and if if i do... i bet it will only be for a second. :-)
my mother always told me to love myself above all. that if i could learn to appreciate the person that i am, i could get over anything. i think she was right. i do not hate my job, i do not hate my family, i do not hate my friends, and i do not hate anyone that's hurt me along the way, because none of that makes me. that is not who i am. i am who i say i am. and who i am, is fuckin' phenomenal.
amen to me. i'm grateful for what i have, and who i am. i was having a hard time with it for a minute there, and it's been a long time since i've seen this "me". a lot of people have a hard time with being so certain and content with what is around them. i am not saying that i am perfect, or that i do not make mistakes, because mistakes, i make a shitload of. but i know when to accept defeat, and when to take the consequences, and how to say sorry and admit when i'm wrong. i also know when to shut the fuck up and get over shit. and right now... right now i'm shutting the fuck up and getting over shit. jorge always says shit happens, so tough titties. this is true. so, tough titties. moving right along. i'll rejoice in what i have today.
"you're not your job. you're not how much money you have in the bank. you're not the car you drive. you're not the contents of your wallet. you're not your fucking khakis."
this rant is over.
:)
-kg
bad habits
wisps of smoke mix
with shattered music
a vomit stained floor and
the far-off ring of laughter
she tells him she knows a better place
and offers him a sea of spirits
you dry hump the night away
with an aching head
stars explode in your eyes
when your face is to the cement
he says he can walk it off
and gives you the last light
that sinks you into the couch
the last cigarette lingers on his lips
while last nights love disappears in your rearview
-kg
with shattered music
a vomit stained floor and
the far-off ring of laughter
she tells him she knows a better place
and offers him a sea of spirits
you dry hump the night away
with an aching head
stars explode in your eyes
when your face is to the cement
he says he can walk it off
and gives you the last light
that sinks you into the couch
the last cigarette lingers on his lips
while last nights love disappears in your rearview
-kg
Friday, September 21, 2007
si se puede!
"You're a door without a key, a field without a fence.
You made a holy fool of me, and I've thanked you ever since..."
*sigh*
it's going to be a good rest of the year ladies & gentleman.
i can feel it in my gut. in my bones. in my blood.
the only place left to go ... is up.
-kg
You made a holy fool of me, and I've thanked you ever since..."
*sigh*
it's going to be a good rest of the year ladies & gentleman.
i can feel it in my gut. in my bones. in my blood.
the only place left to go ... is up.
-kg
Monday, September 17, 2007
courage & grit
"every day is like sunday, every day is silent and gray..."
i woke up grinding my teeth this morning. however, i can say that it is definitely more peaceful inside of me now. i'm slowly allowing myself to believe that the truth of the matter is that i deserve certain things, and that certain things are mine for the taking. i lack the strength to take these things; to allow myself to trust in my gut and put myself out there. i may get shot down, and i might not. a huge part of me tell me i'll succeed, and that there's nothing to be scared of. but still... i have a little bit more to go. just a little bit more, and i'll be ready. i have to be ready. before it's too late.
where the fuck is my courage and strength right now that i need it? where?! i know one thing is true: i deserve more than this. i WILL HAVE more than this. i was built... i was made, for great things.
-kg
i woke up grinding my teeth this morning. however, i can say that it is definitely more peaceful inside of me now. i'm slowly allowing myself to believe that the truth of the matter is that i deserve certain things, and that certain things are mine for the taking. i lack the strength to take these things; to allow myself to trust in my gut and put myself out there. i may get shot down, and i might not. a huge part of me tell me i'll succeed, and that there's nothing to be scared of. but still... i have a little bit more to go. just a little bit more, and i'll be ready. i have to be ready. before it's too late.
where the fuck is my courage and strength right now that i need it? where?! i know one thing is true: i deserve more than this. i WILL HAVE more than this. i was built... i was made, for great things.
-kg
Monday, August 20, 2007
you wanna kill it?
thursday the 16th
6:30 p.m. : isha, me, jayme, amber, kenny, keith & david all gathered outside david's house. i had a beer in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. within 20 minutes i'm 3 beers in on an empty stomach and i'm ready to take off for L.A. already. i let out a loud complacent burp, and the night started!
by the time we got to L.A. the second car (being driven by the direction genius Isha), had already gotten lost twice, and was an hour behind us. so of course i continued my drinking frenzie, because what else am i supposed to do the day after my 20th birthday? GET CRUNK! nearly an hour later jayme, isha, and amber finally arrived at the club, and a brilliant idea ocurred to me and jayme. we would continue to drink and smoke out on the sidewalk! looking back now, i realize how un-brilliant that idea was... but it didn't seem like it at the time.
of course, within 7 minutes of this two cops rolled up on bikes, and commenced to question the smell of weed! we acted oh so innocent, and got away with it, even after they searched the entire area with flashlights, looking for the rest of the blunt that we had chucked. that would have been the end of it, and we all would have walked away with a good laugh, except for the beer bottle that i had so smartly forgotten to put down. yes, thats right! even after jayme said "cops!", i didn't put the bottle down. ooh, how insperable i am from my alcohol, you can see! so we didn't walk away citation free. instead, i walked away with a citation for an open container, BUT not before the cop asked me if i wanted to kill it! are you kidding me?! no, he was not! so i did! and with that done, we STILL walked away laughing. *sigh* oooooh, good times!
it wasn't till 4:45 in the morning that we were driving into oceanside, off the 5. it was chilly and dark along the coast, with the stars all out and shining, and the sunroof open overhead. we pulled over at the rest stop, because david needed a cigarette, before he could finish the drive. as i sat there, looking out the sunroof, staring at the stars, a deep sense of sadness fell over me, after a long day of happiness. it isn't often that i get that feeling anymore, having learned to cope with my deamons more and more every day. but as i stared at the stars, i felt so small, almost non-existent. it made me feel empty... yet it filled me with a sense of awe. however, mixed in with this sadness i realize my problems are nothing. i'll be just fine. whatever bothers me inside at this moment, will desist. it is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
some days are harder than others, and some weeks are better than others.
it seems that this week is going to be one of the hard ones...
this birthday sucked... for the most part. :(
-kg
6:30 p.m. : isha, me, jayme, amber, kenny, keith & david all gathered outside david's house. i had a beer in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. within 20 minutes i'm 3 beers in on an empty stomach and i'm ready to take off for L.A. already. i let out a loud complacent burp, and the night started!
by the time we got to L.A. the second car (being driven by the direction genius Isha), had already gotten lost twice, and was an hour behind us. so of course i continued my drinking frenzie, because what else am i supposed to do the day after my 20th birthday? GET CRUNK! nearly an hour later jayme, isha, and amber finally arrived at the club, and a brilliant idea ocurred to me and jayme. we would continue to drink and smoke out on the sidewalk! looking back now, i realize how un-brilliant that idea was... but it didn't seem like it at the time.
of course, within 7 minutes of this two cops rolled up on bikes, and commenced to question the smell of weed! we acted oh so innocent, and got away with it, even after they searched the entire area with flashlights, looking for the rest of the blunt that we had chucked. that would have been the end of it, and we all would have walked away with a good laugh, except for the beer bottle that i had so smartly forgotten to put down. yes, thats right! even after jayme said "cops!", i didn't put the bottle down. ooh, how insperable i am from my alcohol, you can see! so we didn't walk away citation free. instead, i walked away with a citation for an open container, BUT not before the cop asked me if i wanted to kill it! are you kidding me?! no, he was not! so i did! and with that done, we STILL walked away laughing. *sigh* oooooh, good times!
it wasn't till 4:45 in the morning that we were driving into oceanside, off the 5. it was chilly and dark along the coast, with the stars all out and shining, and the sunroof open overhead. we pulled over at the rest stop, because david needed a cigarette, before he could finish the drive. as i sat there, looking out the sunroof, staring at the stars, a deep sense of sadness fell over me, after a long day of happiness. it isn't often that i get that feeling anymore, having learned to cope with my deamons more and more every day. but as i stared at the stars, i felt so small, almost non-existent. it made me feel empty... yet it filled me with a sense of awe. however, mixed in with this sadness i realize my problems are nothing. i'll be just fine. whatever bothers me inside at this moment, will desist. it is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
some days are harder than others, and some weeks are better than others.
it seems that this week is going to be one of the hard ones...
this birthday sucked... for the most part. :(
-kg
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
the slain
i threw myself off a building yesterday.
crashed 25 stories down into the hard black pavement.
my ankles crushed in underneath me first, and then my legs, and then my torso, and then my arms bent upwards and to the sides.
my head cracked like a rifle in the wind, and a stream of blood gave way.
it ran down over my body, and it washed away all my faults. all my bad experiences, and all those horrible people.
it washed away your hurtful words, and your monstrous air.
my body is now clean of you.
my blood now turning cold on the pavement is profuse with you; fat-full of your essence. rich with your disgusting being.
my face now turning white and green is serene. its placid. smoothed out from the wind on the way down, all feeling was lost except for one: emptiness.
empty and discarded, i found my way up. i crawled out of the hole you dug for me... and crawled into another.
it's warm here now, as i converse with the maggots and play with the roots of daisies.
and the darkness that now creeps in and surrounds me was a lovely gift...
a lovely gift from you.
-kg
crashed 25 stories down into the hard black pavement.
my ankles crushed in underneath me first, and then my legs, and then my torso, and then my arms bent upwards and to the sides.
my head cracked like a rifle in the wind, and a stream of blood gave way.
it ran down over my body, and it washed away all my faults. all my bad experiences, and all those horrible people.
it washed away your hurtful words, and your monstrous air.
my body is now clean of you.
my blood now turning cold on the pavement is profuse with you; fat-full of your essence. rich with your disgusting being.
my face now turning white and green is serene. its placid. smoothed out from the wind on the way down, all feeling was lost except for one: emptiness.
empty and discarded, i found my way up. i crawled out of the hole you dug for me... and crawled into another.
it's warm here now, as i converse with the maggots and play with the roots of daisies.
and the darkness that now creeps in and surrounds me was a lovely gift...
a lovely gift from you.
-kg
Friday, July 06, 2007
only me
today i realized something.
friends, they come and go.
boyfriends, they come and go...
even family comes and goes sometimes.
this is something that i've always known to be true but never accepted.
i realize now, truly realize, that i have only myself.
it's me in my head, it's me in my feelings, it's me in life.
it's always only me.
i've let my guard down one too many times in this short span of my life... that i'm afraid that i'll eventually become calloused and cold. i don't want to get there. ever.
so many times i wish i could be completely selfish. stop caring about people the way i do. stop giving so much of myself when it's not asked... and stop wanting so much when it's hasn't and won't be given.
i give and do so much for those around me, that i forget that not everyone is like me. not everyone cares. not everyone is so forgiving. not everyone is on the same page with me, or will ever.
i shouldn't give a mad fuck.
its about time.
i live for me.
and only me.
i want so much right now... i want so much for me.
i want to move out of the city.
i want to go back to school.
i want to be away from my family... all of them.
and i want to travel.
i want a clean slate.
tabula rasa.
i start again.
*sigh*
p.s.
i was in a car accident today... and for a second when i heard the scream of the breaks i wished the car would completely collapse in on me... and that it could all be over. but it didn't.
i'm so ... exhausted, would be the correct word, with life...
i need a mental health day... or YEAR. :-/
-kg
friends, they come and go.
boyfriends, they come and go...
even family comes and goes sometimes.
this is something that i've always known to be true but never accepted.
i realize now, truly realize, that i have only myself.
it's me in my head, it's me in my feelings, it's me in life.
it's always only me.
i've let my guard down one too many times in this short span of my life... that i'm afraid that i'll eventually become calloused and cold. i don't want to get there. ever.
so many times i wish i could be completely selfish. stop caring about people the way i do. stop giving so much of myself when it's not asked... and stop wanting so much when it's hasn't and won't be given.
i give and do so much for those around me, that i forget that not everyone is like me. not everyone cares. not everyone is so forgiving. not everyone is on the same page with me, or will ever.
i shouldn't give a mad fuck.
its about time.
i live for me.
and only me.
i want so much right now... i want so much for me.
i want to move out of the city.
i want to go back to school.
i want to be away from my family... all of them.
and i want to travel.
i want a clean slate.
tabula rasa.
i start again.
*sigh*
p.s.
i was in a car accident today... and for a second when i heard the scream of the breaks i wished the car would completely collapse in on me... and that it could all be over. but it didn't.
i'm so ... exhausted, would be the correct word, with life...
i need a mental health day... or YEAR. :-/
-kg
iron heart
my heart is too big for this world
continuously it overflows
and spills onto the streets
shattered and torn
i've picked up the pieces to reassemble
i've taped it together
and locked it in place
i've locked up my feelings
and sealed them up tight
there will be no escaping
or slip of the tongue
no needing or wanting
of that to which i once clung
i'll just sit here and wait
i'll keep playing my part
and i'll keep it inside...
inside this iron heart.
-kg
continuously it overflows
and spills onto the streets
shattered and torn
i've picked up the pieces to reassemble
i've taped it together
and locked it in place
i've locked up my feelings
and sealed them up tight
there will be no escaping
or slip of the tongue
no needing or wanting
of that to which i once clung
i'll just sit here and wait
i'll keep playing my part
and i'll keep it inside...
inside this iron heart.
-kg
Sunday, April 15, 2007
shit hit the fan
you restricted me for so long.
you kept me from voicing the screaming in my head.
you broke me of good habits.
you put out the fire in my heart.
you caged the lion...
its time that i break free.
the story of my life is to follow that which is no good for me. why? when i am happier around those that make me laugh, those that make me smile, and those who let me be whoever the fuck i want to be. so, why? why submit myself to self-inflicted torture? i say self-inflicted because i place myself directly in the fire willingly. well... perhaps for these past couple of years i believed that i needed to be punished for what i hated myself for.
perhaps i didn't believe i deserved to be happy. to be content with who i am, and not apologize for everything.
now i do.
those around me that love me have tried to convince me time and time again that i have plenty to offer the willing person. the kind person. the good person; not the hateful people out there. and i think it's about damn time that i listened...
it's time to break free out of this cage that you have put me in.
it's time to breath.
-kg
you kept me from voicing the screaming in my head.
you broke me of good habits.
you put out the fire in my heart.
you caged the lion...
its time that i break free.
the story of my life is to follow that which is no good for me. why? when i am happier around those that make me laugh, those that make me smile, and those who let me be whoever the fuck i want to be. so, why? why submit myself to self-inflicted torture? i say self-inflicted because i place myself directly in the fire willingly. well... perhaps for these past couple of years i believed that i needed to be punished for what i hated myself for.
perhaps i didn't believe i deserved to be happy. to be content with who i am, and not apologize for everything.
now i do.
those around me that love me have tried to convince me time and time again that i have plenty to offer the willing person. the kind person. the good person; not the hateful people out there. and i think it's about damn time that i listened...
it's time to break free out of this cage that you have put me in.
it's time to breath.
-kg
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