regret

"maybe i've forgotten the name and the address
of everyone Ive ever known
it's nothing I regret
save it for another day
it's the school exam and the kids have run away

i would like a place I could call my own
have a conversation on the telephone
wake up every day that would be a start
i would not complain of my wounded heart...

just wait till tomorrow
i guess thats what they all say
just before they fall apart."

its a sunday... i usually hate sundays. it could be any given sunday, and i would hate it. not because of any specific reason, they just always seemed so cold and empty. the end of the weekend. the day before jumping back into reality. back into the machine. back into the man. so i guess this makes this sunday extraordinary, because i do not hate this sunday. today i am grateful for what i have.

the last time i was this happy and content with myself i was 15 years old, about to turn 16. i was about to move back to san diego, and i worried about nothing. i didn't have a job, and i didn't go to school every day like every other kid. i did my homework whenever i wanted, and i turned it in and only saw my teacher once a week. i had a grip of friends, and i was rarely ever home. i was leaving them all behind, but i didn't care. i was going back home. back to where i grew up and i was eager to see old friends, and make new ones. i didn't depress me that i had to uproot myself once more at a whim, and leave behind the guy i was dating. if he really cared about me, he would follow.

he didn't... not for a while anyway. so i forgot about him. but he came back, and then i was stuck with him for a bit over 3 years. haha great! (sarcasm). at the time all i knew is that i was happy with who i was, and didn't feel the need to change for anyone. i knew i had a family that loved me, and if i didn't rub someone the right way, i could care less. if someone didn't like me back, i could care less. if some boy i liked didn't choose to stay loyal to me, i could care less. his loss, right? not mine. i knew who i was and what i wanted. i lost that confidence somewhere along the way.

its only been 5 years, not a long time, but still so much has changed. i have since let go of that boy, and met and lost and let go of new ones. new people have entered and exited my life since then. good people, people i would rather still have by my side. people who's advice i'd still want to hear. people who's company i rather still have. conversations i'd rather still exchange. there's so much i lament, but there is nothing i regret. i learn from good experiences, and even more from bad experiences. i was in a 3 year relationship that i sometimes pray i'd never had. BUT, then i refrain for a second and think, who would i be without that experience? i'm glad he was, and in a way will always be, part of my life. he contributed to my learning of truths i never would have learned otherwise. he gave me the hard outer skin i have today. come on, hit me! give it a try. betcha i wont flinch! and if if i do... i bet it will only be for a second. :-)

my mother always told me to love myself above all. that if i could learn to appreciate the person that i am, i could get over anything. i think she was right. i do not hate my job, i do not hate my family, i do not hate my friends, and i do not hate anyone that's hurt me along the way, because none of that makes me. that is not who i am. i am who i say i am. and who i am, is fuckin' phenomenal.

amen to me. i'm grateful for what i have, and who i am. i was having a hard time with it for a minute there, and it's been a long time since i've seen this "me". a lot of people have a hard time with being so certain and content with what is around them. i am not saying that i am perfect, or that i do not make mistakes, because mistakes, i make a shitload of. but i know when to accept defeat, and when to take the consequences, and how to say sorry and admit when i'm wrong. i also know when to shut the fuck up and get over shit. and right now... right now i'm shutting the fuck up and getting over shit. jorge always says shit happens, so tough titties. this is true. so, tough titties. moving right along. i'll rejoice in what i have today.

"you're not your job. you're not how much money you have in the bank. you're not the car you drive. you're not the contents of your wallet. you're not your fucking khakis."

this rant is over.

:)

-kg